I Was Convinced That I Identified As a Homosexual Woman - David Bowie Made Me Discover the Truth

In 2011, several years prior to the celebrated David Bowie exhibition opened at the prestigious Victoria and Albert Museum in the UK capital, I declared myself a gay woman. Until that moment, I had only been with men, one of whom I had entered matrimony with. Two years later, I found myself in my early 40s, a freshly divorced mother of four, living in the United States.

Throughout this phase, I had begun to doubt both my sense of self and romantic inclinations, seeking out answers.

Born in England during the beginning of the seventies - before the internet. As teenagers, my friends and I didn't have Reddit or digital content to consult when we had curiosities about intimacy; rather, we turned toward celebrity musicians, and during the 80s, artists were experimenting with gender norms.

The iconic vocalist sported masculine attire, The Culture Club frontman adopted girls' clothes, and pop groups such as Erasure and Bronski Beat featured artists who were publicly out.

I desired his lean physique and precise cut, his defined jawline and flat chest. I aimed to personify the artist's German phase

During the nineties, I lived driving a bike and adopting masculine styles, but I returned to femininity when I decided to wed. My spouse moved our family to the America in 2007, but when the union collapsed I felt an undeniable attraction revisiting the manhood I had once given up.

Considering that no artist challenged norms to the extent of David Bowie, I decided to spend a free afternoon during a summer trip returning to England at the V&A, hoping that maybe he could guide my understanding.

I didn't know precisely what I was looking for when I entered the display - maybe I thought that by losing myself in the extravagance of Bowie's norm-challenging expression, I might, consequently, discover a clue to my personal self.

Quickly I discovered myself positioned before a modest display where the film clip for "the iconic song" was recurring endlessly. Bowie was moving with assurance in the foreground, looking polished in a dark grey suit, while off to one side three supporting vocalists in feminine attire clustered near a microphone.

Differing from the performers I had witnessed firsthand, these female-presenting individuals failed to move around the stage with the confidence of natural performers; instead they looked unenthused and frustrated. Relegated to the background, they were chewing and expressed annoyance at the boredom of it all.

"Boys keep swinging, boys always work it out," Bowie performed brightly, apparently oblivious to their lack of enthusiasm. I felt a momentary pang of empathy for the backing singers, with their heavy makeup, ill-fitting wigs and restrictive outfits.

They appeared to feel as uncomfortable as I did in female clothing - frustrated and eager, as if they were yearning for it all to end. Just as I realized I was identifying with three men dressed in drag, one of them tore off her wig, removed the cosmetics from her face, and showed herself to be ... Bowie! Shocker. (Naturally, there were additional David Bowies as well.)

Right then, I became completely convinced that I desired to rip it all off and emulate the artist. I wanted his narrow hips and his sharp haircut, his strong features and his masculine torso; I aimed to personify the slender-shaped, Bowie's German period. However I found myself incapable, because to truly become Bowie, first I would need to be a man.

Declaring myself as gay was a different challenge, but transitioning was a significantly scarier prospect.

It took me further time before I was willing. Meanwhile, I tried my hardest to adopt male characteristics: I abandoned beauty products and eliminated all my skirts and dresses, cut off my hair and started wearing male attire.

I sat differently, modified my gait, and adopted new identifiers, but I stopped short of hormonal treatment - the potential for denial and regret had rendered me immobile with anxiety.

Once the David Bowie display finished its world tour with a stint in New York City, after half a decade, I returned. I had arrived at a crisis. I couldn't go on pretending to be an identity that didn't fit.

Positioned before the same video in 2018, I was absolutely sure that the challenge wasn't my clothes, it was my biological self. I didn't identify as a butch female; I was a man with gentle characteristics who'd been in costume all his life. I wanted to transform myself into the individual in the stylish outfit, dancing in the spotlight, and then I comprehended that I was able to.

I scheduled an appointment to see a physician not long after. I needed further time before my transition was complete, but none of the fears I feared occurred.

I maintain many of my female characteristics, so people often mistake me for a queer man, but I accept this. I sought the ability to play with gender like Bowie did - and given that I'm at peace with myself, I am able to.