The Words shared by A Parent That Rescued Us as a First-Time Father

"I believe I was just trying to survive for the first year."

Ex- reality TV personality Ryan Libbey expected to cope with the challenges of fatherhood.

But the reality soon turned out to be "utterly different" to what he pictured.

Severe health complications during the birth caused his partner Louise being hospitalised. Abruptly he was forced into acting as her main carer in addition to taking care of their baby boy Leo.

"I was doing all the nights, each diaper… each outing. The job of both mum and dad," Ryan shared.

After 11 months he became exhausted. It was a chat with his parent, on a public seat, that helped him see he needed help.

The straightforward words "You are not in a healthy space. You must get assistance. In what way can I help you?" paved the way for Ryan to talk openly, look for assistance and find a way back.

His story is not uncommon, but infrequently talked about. While people is now more comfortable discussing the stress on mothers and about post-natal depression, far less attention is paid about the challenges new fathers encounter.

Asking for help is not weak to request support'

Ryan believes his difficulties are linked to a broader reluctance to talk amongst men, who often internalise negative perceptions of manhood.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the fortress that just takes the pounding and doesn't fall with each wave."

"It isn't a sign of being weak to seek help. I was too slow to do that quick enough," he adds.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a expert specialising in mental health before and after childbirth, notes men frequently refuse to accept they're struggling.

They can feel they are "not a legitimate person to be requesting help" - especially ahead of a mother and child - but she stresses their mental well-being is equally important to the unit.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad offered him the opportunity to request a break - going on a short trip away, away from the home environment, to gain perspective.

He came to see he had to make a shift to consider his and his partner's emotions as well as the day-to-day duties of taking care of a newborn.

When he shared with Louise, he discovered he'd missed "what she longed for" -physical connection and paying attention to her words.

'Parenting yourself

That realisation has changed how Ryan views fatherhood.

He's now composing Leo letters each week about his journey as a dad, which he aspires his son will see as he matures.

Ryan thinks these will enable his son better understand the expression of emotion and make sense of his decisions as a father.

The notion of "self-parenting" is something musician Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

When he was young Stephen was without consistent male parenting. Despite having an "incredible" relationship with his dad, long-standing difficult experiences resulted in his father had difficulty managing and was "present intermittently" of his life, making difficult their relationship.

Stephen says suppressing emotions caused him to make "bad decisions" when in his youth to alter how he was feeling, turning in drink and drugs as a way out from the pain.

"You find your way to behaviours that aren't helpful," he notes. "They might temporarily change how you feel, but they will in the end exacerbate the problem."

Tips for Coping as a New Father

• Open up to someone - if you feel under pressure, tell a friend, your other half or a counsellor about your state of mind. This can to ease the pressure and make you feel more supported.
• Maintain your passions - keep doing the activities that made you feel like you before becoming a parent. It could be exercising, seeing friends or gaming.
• Look after the body - nutritious food, staying active and if you can, resting, all are important in how your mind is coping.
• Connect with other new dads - hearing about their experiences, the challenges, as well as the positive moments, can help to normalise how you're experiencing things.
• Understand that asking for help isn't failing - taking care of yourself is the most effective way you can support your family.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen naturally found it hard to accept the death, having not spoken to him for a long time.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's committed not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his child and instead offer the safety and nurturing he lacked.

When his son starts to have a meltdown, for example, they try "releasing the emotion" together - processing the emotions safely.

Both Ryan and Stephen explain they have become better, healthier men due to the fact that they acknowledged their pain, altered how they communicate, and learned to regulate themselves for their kids.

"I have improved at… sitting with things and handling things," explains Stephen.

"I put that down in a message to Leo recently," Ryan adds. "I expressed, sometimes I feel like my job is to guide and direct you on life, but actually, it's a two-way conversation. I am discovering an equal amount as you are on this path."